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Probably Late For Something
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I Meant To Behave But There Were Too Many Other Options
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The Worst Thing About Censorship Is...
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Are These People Really My Relatives?
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Please Don't Make Me Do Stuff.
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It's Not Drinking Alone If Your Dog Is With You
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If You Can Read This My Invisibility Cloak Isn't Working
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Save Your Breath You'll Need It Later To Blow Up Your Date
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I Don't Have The Energy To Pretend I Like You Today
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I Just Came Here to Drink and Fck And I Am About Done Drinking
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Cool Story Babe Now Go Make Me A Sandwich
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Never Take Advice From Me You'll Only End Up Drunk
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Best Dog Mom Ever
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My Wife Says I Don't Listen...I Think
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Nosey Little Fucker Aren't You
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Let Us All Take A Moment And Be Thankful That Spiders Can't Fly
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On The Outside I May Appear Rude, Sarcastic Jerk Just Like An Onion
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My Level Of Sarcasm Is To The Point Where I Don't Even Know If I'm Kidding Or Not
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I Thought I Had Social Anxiety, But It Turns Out I Just Don't Like People
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You Can't Buy Happiness, But You Can Buy Beer. And That's Kind Of The Same Thing
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The 90's Many Memeries No Evidence
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I Paused My Game To Be Here
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Never Thought I'd Be The Kind Of Person Who'd Wake Up To Exercise And I Was Right
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Santa's Favorite Ho
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You're Pointless
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Strangers Have The Best Candy
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Stop Staring At My Cock
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Drinks Well With Others
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After Monday & Tuesday Even The Calender Says WTF
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I'm Already Visualizing You With Duct Tape Over Your Mouth
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Don't Forget To Pay Your Taxes
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I'm A Huge Metal Fan
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A Moment Of Science Please
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I'm At A Place In My Life Where Running Errands Counts As Going Out
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Alcohol First Then Relatives
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There Are Two Types Of People In This World Avoid Them Both
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I May Not be Perfect But At Least I'm Not a Democrat
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Boy Do I Hate Being Right All The Time
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I Always Say "Morning"….. If It Was A "Good Morning" I'd Still Be In Bed
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Vintage As Hell
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Of All The Lies I've Told just Kidding is My favorite
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Things Just Got Real
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If We Get Caught You're Deaf And I Don't Speak English
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You Look Like I Need Another Drink
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I Need To Make Better Bad Decisions
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I'm Into Fitness. Fitness Whole Pizza In My Mouth
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Dear Santa, Cats. I want Lots And Lots Of Cats
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The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself And Spiders
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